Heard by the computer help desk:

A customer couldn't get on the Internet:

Helpdesk: "Are you sure you used the right password?"

Customer: "Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it."

Helpdesk: "Can you tell me what the password was?"

Customer: "Five stars."

______

Helpdesk: "What kind of computer do you have?"

Customer: "A white one."

______

Customer: "Hi, this is Rose. I can't get my diskette out."

Helpdesk: "Have you tried pushing the button?"

Customer: "Yes, sure, it's really stuck."

Helpdesk: "That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note."

Customer: "No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry..."

______

Helpdesk: "Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen."

Customer: "Your left or my left?"

______

Helpdesk: "Good day. How may I help you?"

Male customer: "Hello, I can't print."

Helpdesk: "Would you click on start for me and..."

Customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, you know!"

______

Customer: "Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it."

______

Customer: "I have problems printing in red."

Helpdesk: "Do you have a color printer?"

Customer: "Aaaah... Thank you."

______

Customer: "My keyboard is not working anymore."

Helpdesk: "Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?"

Customer: "No. I can't get behind the computer."

Helpdesk: "Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back."

Customer: "Okay."

Helpdesk: "Did the keyboard come with you?"

Customer: "Yes."

Helpdesk: "That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?"

Customer: "Yes, there's another one here. Ahh, that one works!"

______

Helpdesk: "Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'."

Customer: "Is that '7' in capital letters?"

______

Helpdesk: "What anti-virus program do you use?"

Customer: "Netscape."

Helpdesk: "That's not an anti-virus program."

Customer: "Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer."

______

Customer: "I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!"

______

Helpdesk: "How may I help you?"

Customer: "I'm writing my first e-mail."

Helpdesk: "Okay, and what seems to be the problem?"

Customer: "Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?"

For you new Mac Users...

For those of you new to the Mac, here are some great websites and applications you should have.

Onyx = a utility program that you ought to run monthly. It will start off checking a few things, then tell you it is OK to proceed. You will then run the "automation" tasks by clicking on it and on the "execute" button at the bottom of the screen. Here is the link to download:  http://www.macupdate.com/info.php/id/11582

Carbon Copy Cloner: this is a great little backup program that will run automatically in the background. You should do a complete clone of your system once a week and along with Apple's Time Machine you will have what you need in an emergency. You will need to purchase a harddrive, which are getting cheaper and cheaper every day. Get pone that is about twice the size of your Mac's harddrive. Use Disk Utility in the Utilities folder in your Applications folder once you attach the external drive and then you can partition the disk into two. One you will use for the clone and I would call it CLONE, and the other you will use with Time Machine for the incremental backups that you will call TIME MACHINE. Here is the link for the program (cost is only $10):  http://www.versiontracker.com/dyn/moreinfo/macosx/13260

WM Components is a free utility that will allow you to view Windows media movies and it is free. Here is where you can download it:  http://www.microsoft.com/downloads/details.aspx?FamilyID=915D874D-D747-4180-A400-5F06B1B5E559&displaylang=en

"Caffeine" is a great little utility that gives you an icon of a coffee cup up in the menu bar. When you watch videos and you do not want to constantly touch your keypad so that your computer does not go into sleep, simply click on the coffee cup icon and it will show as a full cup of coffee and will keep your computer awake. Click it again and it goes back to the normal sleep parameters you had set up in preferences. Here is the link: http://lightheadsw.com/caffeine/  

Inquisitor is another tool that will make your Google searches more efficient. As you type in the Google box of your Safari browser, it will come up with the most likely possibilities and if you click on one of those, it will take you directly there instead of the Google search results window. Here is the link: http://www.inquisitorx.com/safari/index_en.php

CombinePDF is a great program that does what it says, it combines any number of PDF files into one and you can sort the page order any way you like. Here is the download link:  http://www.monkeybreadsoftware.de/Freeware/CombinePDFs.shtml

Lastly, here are some websites for information on Macs and how they work: They are not in any order. You may want to bookmark some of these:

http://www.myfirstmac.com/index.php/mac/articles/195-free-mac-video-tutorials-the-master-list-for-new-mac-users
http://www.apple.com/findouthow/mac/
http://www.apple.com/support/mac101/
http://www.apple.com/support/switch101/
http://mactrainingguide.com/2008/12/the-ultimate-guide-to-mac-os-x-1/
http://mac.elated.com/2008/12/22/tinkertool-review-adjust-hidden-mac-settings/

Have fun checking out these sites and installing these very handy programs!